For starters, I see nothing wrong with this. I should be able to kill myself whenever I want. Its my choice. I'm open-minded enough to be swayed to wanting to die or not but for the longest time, death was the affirmative. While at this point in time, I won't continue project Sunset Man, there's nothing stopping me from leaving when I want
Since I was a kid I thought about going away. I didn't know there was a word for it but I wanted to be outside of existence. I was lonely and there wasn't a lot of people I could connect to. When I brought it up for the first time, I was told that doing that would revoke any chance I had of getting into heaven. Being a dumb, scared kid, that was reason enough to abstain.
Death is like a long rest. One ought to do something truly great before their job here is finished. I would need to do something truly great, something that had never been done before, if I was to finally rest in my own terms.
One summer I read a book called Death Becomes Them. It covered verious suicides by autors, actors, artists, etc. Of course, with a background and how the death happened. I really wanted to jump off a balacony that summer. However, reading how ineffective that method is stopped me from doing it. Guns are all too common, boring, and anti-climatic.Overdose is dicey because the human body has safety measures in place to reject the unholy drug. Diane Arbus had a cool idea. Since she was a photographer, she made her death into a composition to be discovered by whoever found her. On record, she's noted that her work will be worth more dead than alive. And she was proven correct after being placed in the MOMA months after she died. Everyone died in isolation. I guess it would be weird if someone was there just letting it happen.
There was a popular twitch streamer named Reckful who committed suicide in Austin. He jumped. Everyone knew for a while he struggled with depression. He even had a sibling that committed suicide. His last words on Twitter were "ahh, i feel bad for anyone who has to deal with my insanity...please just know in these situations the insane person does not feel in control of their actions". It seems even he knew on some level he knew he didn't want it but felt strongly compelled to do it. A lot of people seemed to like him.
Before cancellation, the project was 80% planned and ready. I had a small team, location, etc. I had to consider everything. The real last stretch was buying all the equipment. I planned to put it on credit since uh, how is a corpse supposed to pay it back lol???
There's someone I consult with every year to make or reivse plans when I die. He's solid, and I know he will do what I ask. He's also helped me after my previous two suicide attempts. He has a real gentle hand when it comes to patching me up and nerves of steel. These meetups concluded in 2020 but we're still close.
I'm at a weird point where I am close to getting better. Its scary. Sometimes I think I was better off when I had this end goal. Realisticly, I was more comfortable with it. Now I need to be comfortable with living, which at this point in time, I am not. I can't even promise people I will be okay in the future because I don't believe it. My friends deserve better, I'm not it and I have the upmost confidence someone better will graviate into their life.
To the person reading this, if I go, don't blame yourself for a moment.